tears suck

well...i am working today! haha! isn't life funny! I was needed at my nanny job again...but only until 10am.

And last night was not a fun night to be alone. It pretty much sucked. well i'll start with caribou! that was pretty sweet! however i became the person that everyone complaines to about the other people! too funny! and then...hmm...i did a lot of dishes, i spilt a lot of stuff and had to clean it everytime...it was sooo frustrating! then...i did more dishes...probably! ummm i cashiered for a while...i dunno it was a long seven hours on my feet. However it seemed to fly by really quickly! Then i went home around 10:15ish...played piano for about a half hour...but after a while i coulnd't see the music notes on my music because my eyes were to filled with tears. I am so sick .... one more time....so sick of crying. I thought i was gonna handle it ok...so i got up from the piano to go check my mail...and i lost it...i fell down crying. It sucked...so i called Momo...and she let me cry and yell (kinda) and ask all the questions that i don't have the answers to.

Still haven't heard from Wade....still haven't called him.

"I'm afraid to love, so why am i in love. I'm afraid of the hurt and the pain, misbelief and the shame, i am afraid of the unknown, suspense can kill...i'm afraid" -sweet song by Brooke Lindquist!

"I don't wanna be alone tonight with tears streaming down my cheeks i don't wanna be one of those girls who cries themselves to sleep. But its hard to hold the tears back....when i miss you" - song by me...

here we go one more time

Hey all...well today starts the schedule again...actually it started yesturday.

ok...got home...unpacked...made some phone calls, ran errands for like two hours! (yuck) then i went home and practiced my stuff for VBS! i gotta memorize a lot of stuff by monday! then i went up to church to get the music that i have to play/lead with on Sunday for church...talked to my youth paster, practiced my music. Had skit rehersal which was extremly bad...so we're having another one on Friday! and i told the middle school boys that i have very little patience with, that if they got their stuff done and worked hard, i would buy pizza! anyways...after skit practice was music practice and that was not good either. oh boy...so...we'll see how it all goes. Today i got up at 5:30! woot woot! and now i'm nannying again and then i work at bou from 3 to close! woot for a 14 hour working day and a 18 hour awake day!

Tomorrow i have off but i have VBS stuff to get wrapped up with so...we'll see how all that stuff goes...my rents are out of town for the next three days. a lil sad, cuase i just got home, but i really enjoy being on my own!

Well, i haven't heard from Wade...yet...who knows it might be Sunday by the time i hear from him...oh well.

"I tear my heart open and sew myself shut, my weakness is that i care to much and my scars remind me that the past is real. I tear my heart open just to feel." -Papa Roach- I just bought this cd...its pretty good if you're in a depressed mood.

well later!

well...here we go...sorry its been a while...i've been busy.

i got in an argument with max, i went home from maijas early (WOW)

yesturday i got up early which is normal this week, and the boys and i went to the zoo, and we saw Sparky and they rode on the rides. They had a blast, and thats all that mattered. I went straight to a meeting at school for peer support, that was...ok...but it got me more excited about school now! (WOOT) andthen i went straight to a meeting at church about VBS and then to Bible Study. Then home. Talked to maija, talked to Jordan, went to bed, got a call from Wade. talked to wade. Went to bed and haha i'm awake and working yet again!

Sometimes iwonder if i should be concerned about the fact that on a regular basis i get up before my parents do, and go to work before my dad does. and i go to bed later than they do. so...am i concerned about me or my parents....both!

tonight i have a caribou class right after nannying (which is extended to 4:30 or 5:00 today) and then i'll get home around 9:30! woot woot! then i'll probably go straight to bed maybe call maija...then on friday...its a shorter day...well not really cause all days are 24 hours but still its shorter to me. I think that i start at 7:30 tomorrow so i don't have to get up at 5:30 anymore! woot woot! then i get off around 1:00! woot! and then i'll go shopping for pants for Caribou, and then i'll go home and pack, take a shower, and miscellanious things. Then i will go to Caribou for my next training shift! woot woot! then off to Maijas to spend the night and awake at 5:00am to go to the airport to go to MICHIGAN!

It's in the work folks! i am gonna see wade pretty much for sure! its like 99% sure! i am so excited...but i am also way excited to spend time with Maija! she rocks!

Well i'm signing off now! have a great day!

change

change...change happens...all the time...look outside...its everywhere. People change, animals change, temperatures change...life changes. I've officially decided that i like change. At least this week i do.

Senior year is upon us, and things are going to change a lot. It's blunt i know, but if you don't like change or you don't know what to do with change...its gonna hit you in the face like a bag of bricks. It's inevitable.

I am so excited for senior year, to be the leaders of the school, to be the intimidating students that the freshman are afraid of. To set a standard high above the rest. I am excited to see how things play out. Last year was interesting to say the least. I am excited to go to college. A lot of times i'm different though, i know where i want to go and what i want to do with my life. That's weird. But i'm still excited.

Others aren't as excited and i understand that...but i think in time, you will be! later!

lists

Things that i miss:

-Days when i can sleep till i can't stand how sore my body feels from laying down so long!
-Wade
-my sisters being around the house...becuase now they have their own families...and i don't get to see them as much
-school...as ironic as it may sound...i miss school because its routine...and i get to see people everyday and stress is normal instead of out of the blue
-Maija
-taking bubble baths
-being young with no worries about how long i have been outside playing...because since i have been gone so much this past week i have become guilt ridden about not seeing my family
-Buddy...taking buddy for walks...maybe...not as much as other things

Things i see on a regular basis"

-The Walker household
-the dishwasher, fridge, drawers, computer, tv, car...a lot of my car (my moms car)
-my bed
-my cd player
-a book
-my piano

Things i that pop out when i'm not looking, because they were destined to find me:

-The spooky house down the road
-Wade (when he calls)
-Flowers
-mail!/e-mail
-birds
-a picture...of any sort
theres lots of little things like the white house with a red door...and the letter of Don's resignition which brings on the thought that...since he's moving to California...if/when i get married he wont be marrying me.

Goodnight

here we go...

well...Samara, i'm sorry that i am so far behind on updating my blog!

Hmm....i've been doing a lot of nannying, and i've been reading a lot of Nicholas Sparks books...cause he's amazing! and maija and i hung out a lot this week until she had to go to Sonshine, and then i chilled with Jordan yesturday. today...i am going to go insane! i'm nannying...but i made pancakes, then i am bringing the kids to the Scripter household to play on the trampoline and have a picnic, then i will bring them home, then i have to go to Steve and Barry's to find clothes that are in the uniform for Caribou! then i have a meeting at church at 3:00 then i have to go home and mow the lawn, then i have to be back at the Walkers for 6:00 and i don't know how long i'll be babysitting, but it will be a while....i'm sure...and hopefully Wade will call me tonight and tell me all about his meetings for FFA that he's been out of town for!

Theres my update! :)

whatever

well tomorrow i start my nannying again, and i'm slowly beginning to get excited about michigan. its really hard to be excited when you've got three children to take care of or ten more days...but i will be excited before you know it! it is going to be amazing...whether i get to see wade or not...itsgoing to be awesome! yep yep!

i like music! i like music a lot! i love my piano...its like an extension of me somedays...well tonight i'm gonna play my guitar! later!

being excited!

well well...lets see, Wade and i talked stuff out...i'm going to michigan in two weeks from saturday! maija is the best friend anyone could possibly have! and not just cause she's taking me to michigan with her! (i can't believe this is actually happening its all so crazy)

I am really glad i had this week off, its been nice and a good break from nannying. I applied at caribou and i have an interview on tuesday! YES! i am way excited! tomorrow is my nieces b-day, so i'm busy busy all day!

I am just giddy and i don't know how to describe who i am or how i'm feeling. Its a good feeling though! for sure... today was just a good day! for sure!

I went to maija's with val, then to vals with jordan and laura and we watched hitch, and then i went home for oh...a whole 20 minutes and then went to em's house and we chilled and made cookies. We were gonna go to the zoo but it closes at 6:00 (thats bologna!) and we had some good God talk too! what a day!

wow...i like being excited!

whats it got to say?

I know there’s something in the wake of your smile.I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yea.You’ve built a love but that love falls apart.Your little piece of heaven turns too dark.Listen to your heartWhen he’s calling for you.Listen to your heartThere’s nothing else you can do.I don’t know where you’re goingAnd I don’t know why,But listen to your heartBefore you tell him goodbye.Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yea.They’re swept away and nothing is what is seems,The feeling of belonging to your dreams.And there are voicesThat want to be heard.So much to mentionBut you can’t find the words.The scent of magic,The beauty that’s beenWhen love was wilder than the wind.

Thats a song... that i heard on the radio this morning...i like it!