Three Years

I know I don't typically blog. I've kind of quit on it.

Today is different though. Today all I can think to do is type out exactly what I am thinking and feeling.

I honestly expected to be "okay" today. To go one with it like it wasn't that big of a deal. To just do my thing and make it through and on to the next day.

December 12, 2007:
I went up to the hospital and I was a bit overwhelmed by emotion and just couldn't be there any longer. We had plans to bring mom home, which is what she wanted. I expected to be able to see her again the next day. Before I left the hospital that evening I whispered in her ear that I loved her. But there was SO much more I wanted to tell her.

She and I weren't the mother/daughter best friend relationship. It took her getting sick for me to tell her about my first kiss. I look back and regret not sharing my every detail with her.

I went home that evening with Joe and he held me on the couch while I sobbed my eyes out. He left and I went to bed.

December 13, 2007:
I woke up to a call telling me she had passed away. With a bolt of energy I got up got my uncle and we headed to the hospital. The route to the hospital goes through a pretty rough neighborhood and as we were driving all the times my mom would tell me, "when you're in this part of town, don't stop for anything, don't unroll your window, keep your doors locked at all times." Typical mom, watching out for me.

At the same moment this memory pops in my mind, the song "Angel" by Sarah Mclachlan comes on. Perfect timing.

It's three years later... only three years and already three years.

I went to pick up my dad's mail from the post office. Every memory I have of my mother from the route to the post office, to the entry way, to the counter, to the coloring books they handed to me when I was a small child. You name it, I remember it.

I tried to play some piano. I haven't been able to write since 2007. My muse is gone. I have nothing I want to sing about, or write about except her. and me. and my sadness, and anger and frustration.

All I got out today was this:

Don't tell me to smile
Because I don't have one for you.
Don't tell me it'll all be okay
Because you don't fit in my shoes
If you only knew.


I thought I had dealt with this already. I thought I was okay. I thought I could make it through today with out a hitch. I thought I could move on. I thought I would be stronger. I thought I would have forgiven myself for my regrets. I thought a lot.

I haven't dealt with it. I am not okay. I am not making it through this day without a hitch. I am stuck and I honestly don't think I want help yet to move on. I don't feel stronger, I feel tired. I am still hating every molecule in me for not spending more time with her, or striving to build our relationship more.

December 13 every year is not just a day that my mom passed away. In true cliche form, its the day my life changed.

I had just turned 20. Do you know what it is like to have your life change so drastically at 20? There are so many questions I have for her about life, and marriage and family and work. There are so many conversations I want to have with her and I can't. There isn't a phone line to heaven. There are so many things I cling to just to feel some sort of her presence around me.

This day hurts.