In a nutshell

Well, sometimes when it rains like it is today I get in a really creative mood and write poetry. so I did. This is what came out.


Watch the raindrops fall
Almost as fast as my tears
Down my checks
The mascara’s smeared
But that’s the only sign
That there’s something more
Something deeper inside me
Hidden behind bolted shut doors

so let it rain
as much as it wants to
this may.
So I can release the pain.
Just let it rain
So I can say goodbye
To mascara stains
and the month of may.

oh, the month of may
will never be the same
it will always bring back memories
of heartbreak and pain
devastating diagnosis
with gut-wrenching fears
I never thought I’d be
shedding so many unpredictable tears

So let it rain
As much as it wants to
This may
So I can release the pain
Just let it rain
So I can say goodbye
To mascara stains
And the month of may

Let me stand in the rain
As much as I need to
This may
So I can release the pain
And say goodbye
To mascara stains
And the month of may
Just let it rain.

Discovery Zone

I have been at a loss for words.

But I am finding a never ending well of tears.

I am at a loss for explanation.

But I am finding plenty more questions and confusion.

I am at a loss for energy and sleep.

But I am discovering energy drinks.

I wont sugar coat things. I wont make it sound like I've got it under control, because with each day that passes I discover I actually do not have control of anything. And well, me being who I am, I do not like this "not being in control" situation. It actually drives me quite crazy.

But I'm discovering, when I let go and realize I can't control something, other people step in.

I do not enjoy crying. Actually I think I am allergic to my own tears because I get all these tiny little red dots all over my eyes everytime I cry. It ruins my make-up and runs down my immune system. Because when I cry, snot fills my nose, and I've never been a good kleenex user so I suck it all in, and then I get a "sorta-cold". I've cried so intensely in the last 2 days I've hyperventilated, lost my cookies, and fallen over.

I'm discovering, it's okay for me to cry.

I do not enjoy asking for help. And reality is, I will need help. Maybe not right this instant, or tomorrow, or next month. But at one point or another I will. And I will have to learn how to ask for that help.

I'm discovering when I find it in myself to ask for help, I've got a great number of people who are more than willing to step up.

I work a lot. I have a number of friends that I actually do enjoy seeing, and I like to get out of the house at least once everyday.

I'm discovering, that nothing else matters right now except spending the time she's awake and I'm around together.

I never realized how difficult "discovering" could be.