Three Years

I know I don't typically blog. I've kind of quit on it.

Today is different though. Today all I can think to do is type out exactly what I am thinking and feeling.

I honestly expected to be "okay" today. To go one with it like it wasn't that big of a deal. To just do my thing and make it through and on to the next day.

December 12, 2007:
I went up to the hospital and I was a bit overwhelmed by emotion and just couldn't be there any longer. We had plans to bring mom home, which is what she wanted. I expected to be able to see her again the next day. Before I left the hospital that evening I whispered in her ear that I loved her. But there was SO much more I wanted to tell her.

She and I weren't the mother/daughter best friend relationship. It took her getting sick for me to tell her about my first kiss. I look back and regret not sharing my every detail with her.

I went home that evening with Joe and he held me on the couch while I sobbed my eyes out. He left and I went to bed.

December 13, 2007:
I woke up to a call telling me she had passed away. With a bolt of energy I got up got my uncle and we headed to the hospital. The route to the hospital goes through a pretty rough neighborhood and as we were driving all the times my mom would tell me, "when you're in this part of town, don't stop for anything, don't unroll your window, keep your doors locked at all times." Typical mom, watching out for me.

At the same moment this memory pops in my mind, the song "Angel" by Sarah Mclachlan comes on. Perfect timing.

It's three years later... only three years and already three years.

I went to pick up my dad's mail from the post office. Every memory I have of my mother from the route to the post office, to the entry way, to the counter, to the coloring books they handed to me when I was a small child. You name it, I remember it.

I tried to play some piano. I haven't been able to write since 2007. My muse is gone. I have nothing I want to sing about, or write about except her. and me. and my sadness, and anger and frustration.

All I got out today was this:

Don't tell me to smile
Because I don't have one for you.
Don't tell me it'll all be okay
Because you don't fit in my shoes
If you only knew.


I thought I had dealt with this already. I thought I was okay. I thought I could make it through today with out a hitch. I thought I could move on. I thought I would be stronger. I thought I would have forgiven myself for my regrets. I thought a lot.

I haven't dealt with it. I am not okay. I am not making it through this day without a hitch. I am stuck and I honestly don't think I want help yet to move on. I don't feel stronger, I feel tired. I am still hating every molecule in me for not spending more time with her, or striving to build our relationship more.

December 13 every year is not just a day that my mom passed away. In true cliche form, its the day my life changed.

I had just turned 20. Do you know what it is like to have your life change so drastically at 20? There are so many questions I have for her about life, and marriage and family and work. There are so many conversations I want to have with her and I can't. There isn't a phone line to heaven. There are so many things I cling to just to feel some sort of her presence around me.

This day hurts.

A letter to a lost friend

There was a day when I think I knew things were going to change. I don't remember what day that was, or what I wore, who I was with or what I was doing. But the feeling that a major change was going to happen hasn't left me since. That feeling has dug its way into every part of me and resides in me until I finally step out of denial and accept it. There was a day when I accepted it. That day I remember.

You say I changed, I say you changed. Reality is, we both changed. Here's the fun part, who changed for the better? And who didn't?

I've got a list of the people I held so dear in my life that are gone now. They didn't go anywhere, they just changed. They are not who they once were and now I don't know anything about them. The list just grew by one.

Life is an ever tangling, ever changing, all inclusive adventure. All inclusive meaning not just the great joys of life, but the sad parts, the hard times, the devestating losses. I think being on two seperate adventures is a good plan for now.

Sorry dear friend that we can't see eye to eye, and we aren't on the same page. I'm not sorry that either of us will back down from what we believe in or want out of life. My adventure isn't guided by your desires, and I hope your adventure isn't guided by mine.

Each day is a new promise of hope. Live it to the fullest.

WOW! I'M POSTING!

I know, I know, I know. It's been a while.

It's also been a while since I wrote music. The last time I did was January 2008. Sad huh? Well, here's the tune I cranked out today in twenty minutes!

-- Mom's Wise Words --

Lay your head on top of mine
Nose to nose, forehead to forehead.
Wait until I say to open your eyes
And try to read between the lines.

You are beautiful,
And you, you are strong.
You are beautiful,
And I know you'll be alright
When I'm gone.

Lay your head on my chest
Listen to its soft heartbeat.
If of all the things you remember,
Remember love is the greatest of these.

I am proud of you,
And I love you more!
You are beautiful,
I know your hearts waging war.

War between faith and
misunderstandings.
And when these times come
Play this and believe all of it.
With every fiber of your being believe
that you are beautiful and strong.
And when things seem to get too hard
Play it louder and I'll sing along.

You are beautiful,
And you, you are strong.
You are beautiful,
And I know you'll be strong
and press on.

I am proud of you,
And I love you more!
You are beautiful,
I'm by your side
Feel me in your heart!



-------------------------

Thats it. I had been writing a tune and suddenly the words just came out of my mouth. I rushed them onto paper, and I thought I'd share since there's been slight harrassment to post again.

I hope you enjoyed it!

Love to all!

A few months

I don't think I know what to write on here anymore. And the only time I have the desire to write, I don't know if everyone wants to read it. So, I usually don't.

Sorry.

Fall. My favorite season. The leaves change colors, the weather gets cool enough to wear a sweater, the first sprinkles of snow. It's all mystical in a way. A few dates to note live in the land of fall. My birthday for one!

Then there's a few others. Dates. Numbers. Days. Memories. This fall seemed to just fly by. I didn't make it to the pumpkin patch. I didn't go on any hayrides. I worked on Halloween. And the next thing you know, it's mid-November. And despite the speed of this season. It's nothing compared to last fall.

We said a lot of "One day at a time" comments, because that's really the only thing one can do. There is no "Beaming into the future" and there is no "Time traveling to the past". Today is what today is. Last fall went quickly. Too quickly. And this year seems to have taken on a slow sluggish life. Slowly pulling me to each date, time, and memory. And life is dragging me through it.

I wonder why on a regular basis. And I read a devotional the other day right when I needed to hear it. The general point was:

Trials, struggles, difficult times...pain, frustration, anger...sadness, bitterness, brokenhearts. God doesn't just ignore the things that are happening. Sometimes He forces them to happen. His plan for each of us is unique and challenging. He puts you through just enough fire to strengthen you for the plan he has.

Then I ask, what's the great mysterious plan. And I hear the wind blow outside the windows, and I see the tree's shake and leaves fall. I see the dusting of snow swirl up on the sidewalk, and I am reminded that He is the Great I Am. He gives and takes away. His plan will be revealed in time, and "In the meantime" Grow, be patient, and wait.

Buddy

Buddy's gone... I will miss him

May 2

A year ago today, it was sunny, and the grass was green and I think we might have already have had a few flowers planted. The rock garden was weeded at least. We'd had days of sunshine.

A year ago today, I'm sure I worked at the good ole, 'Bou. And I'm sure I made the same old drinks. We were promoting Amy's Blend.

A year ago today, I probably played some piano, tried writing my own tunes, fiddle-farted around.

A year ago today, I was not who I am today. I was jolted out of my happy, safe world.

A year ago today, I sat at the kitchen table. I had my legs crossed. I faced the window. The front door was open and as the sun was setting it was streaming through the screen door. The kitchen light was off. The dog was on his bed. Mom was on my left, dad was on my right. Mom told me she had cancer. I was the first to know. And I sat at that table while she called S and S. And I sat at that table while she called Grandma B. And I listened to Grandma B. on speaker phone, cry out, "No, no, no. Nanette." over and over. And I cried.

Today I sit on the couch alone in an empty house. I see the dreary day. The neighbors dog Shank is out running around with his toys. Buddy is laying practically under the couch. I hear the words that were said, vibrating through my mind loud and clear. "I had some tests done today..." I see the expression on dad's face. Distressed. I taste the saltiness of the tears that have landed on my lips. I feel the lump in my throat grow bigger. And I cry.

Today, I am not who I was a year ago. I live in a cruel, ruthless world.

Today, I sat at the piano and like every other day the last 5 months, I haven't been able to play or sing without tears pouring down my face. I can't think of anything to write about, except the sadness that dwells in the air.

Today, I worked at the good ole 'Bou and made the same old drinks. We're promoting our Roastmaster's Reserve Coffee.

Today, we've had approximately two spring days. It snowed a week ago and is forcasted to snow again tomorrow. The rock garden has yet to be weeded and I've got plans to buy and plant flowers. (Depending on the weather.)

Happiness at its Best

Our journey to Chicago gave us a marvelous chance to take pictures. Our engagment pictures. these are still the rough copies! My friend Emily gets the credit!